Let’s get the scoop on gaslighting—what is it really? It’s a term that been bandied about so much recently. So, it’s just as important to determine what it isn’t.
Gaslighting was the Merriam-Webster Word of the Year for 2022 and has become a buzzword ever since, hasn’t it? You’ve probably seen it tossed around in articles or social media, sometimes hitting the mark, other times missing by a mile. It’s like the word has gotten a bit dizzy from all the spinning. So, let’s set it straight because understanding gaslighting in its true form is crucial—it’s how you’ll spot it, name it, and strip away its power if it ever tries to sneak into your life.
Gaslighting happens when someone persistently attacks another person’s emotions and intelligence, causing the victim to doubt themselves. The goal of gaslighting is to amplify the victim’s self-doubt so much that they eventually believe whatever the abuser says, no matter how absurd.
The gaslighter’s approach can vary. Sometimes their insults are subtle and manipulative, while other times they are blatant attacks on the victim’s character or mental health. This depends on the abuser’s preferred method of control and the success of past gaslighting attempts.
Buckle up; we’re about to demystify one of the most talked-about yet often misunderstood acts of manipulation.
Typical Gaslighting Behaviors
- Lying and exaggeration: The gaslighter blatantly lies and overstates the truth. For example, they might say, “I never said I’d go to that event with you. You always make things up.”
- Repetition: They use constant repetition of their deceitful statements to wear you down. “I’m telling you, everyone thinks you’re useless,” repeated often enough, can make you doubt your own judgment.
- Problems when challenged: When you question their narrative, they become defensive or attack. Challenge their lie, and they might retort, “You just can’t handle the truth!”
- Wearing out the victim: They exhaust you with their relentless invalidations. “Are you sure you remember it right? You get confused easily,” they might say, again and again.
- Codependency: The gaslighter fosters a relationship where you feel you need them to define your reality. “You’d be lost without me to tell you how things really are,” they suggest.
- Weaponized kindness: They use compassionate words against you. “I’m only saying this because I love you and I see you making a mistake,” is a way to make harmful comments seem like they’re for your benefit.
- Minimizing thoughts and feelings: They trivialize your reactions. If you express hurt, they might dismiss it with, “You’re too sensitive. I was only joking.”
- False hope: They offer glimmers of hope for change that never comes. “I’ll do better next time,” they say, but next time never differs from the last.
- Conditional apologies: Their apologies come with a “but,” shifting the blame back onto you. “I’m sorry you felt that way, but you really overreacted,” turns an apology into an accusation.
- Domination and control: The gaslighter needs to feel in charge, and they exert this by questioning your autonomy. “You don’t want to do that; you haven’t thought it through like I have,” they’ll assert, suggesting they know better than you do about what you should do.
Three Types of Gaslighters
Identified by Robin Stern, these three archetypes of gaslighters exhibit their toxic behavior in different ways:
The Glamour Gaslighter:
This is like the lead in a romantic movie, but one that’s gone off-script. They sweep you off your feet with charm and what seems like genuine warmth. They make big moves and intense statements, but don’t really seem to take your tastes and thoughts into consideration.
They have two-faces: the venomous one that spits in private – at you and behind others’ backs – which does not align with the charming image they portrays in public. Under all the flash they shape the story and throw shadows over your memories and thoughts, all while keeping up their bright image.
The Good-Guy Gaslighter:
They’re the neighbor everyone waves to, the coworker who always has a kind word. To the world, they’re Mr. or Ms. Right —thoughtful and caring. Yet, in the privacy of your relationship, you can’t quite put your finger on what’s wrong and feel like something is a bit off, although they do and say all the right things. Somehow in the background they’re quietly use that “good guy” persona like a shield, deflecting any accusations of wrongdoing with a bewildered, “Who, me?”
It feels like he always gets his way in the end, but you can’t really figure out how it happened. Their gaslighting comes wrapped in a package of feigned innocence and bewildered hurt that makes you second-guess bringing up issues in the first place. You describe a great relationship to others but feel increasingly depressed over time.
The Intimidator
They don’t bother much with charm; in fact they don’t seem to like you at all. They rely on bullying, verbal abuse and sheer force of will. Their brand of gaslighting is more about overt threats and less about covert manipulation, yet they still are masters at withholding and guilt-tripping. Once these intimidating forces have found your vulnerable core, they will use your worst fears against, “You are just like your mother,” and try to disguise their harsh verbal abuse as “just teasing”.
They control you by creating an atmosphere charged with fear, using silence as a weapon, and making it clear that questioning them will have consequences. They might not always shout; their very presence can be enough to silence you.
Does any of this feel familiar? Maybe a blend of all or some of the above? The gaslighter, might experiment with various gaslighting tactics before finding the one that works best on you. However, if they have successfully used gaslighting in previous relationships, they might skip the experimentation phase and immediately employ their tried-and-true methods.
If you don’t respond well to the gaslighter’s techniques, the abuser might quickly end the relationship in search of someone more susceptible to their manipulation.
If you’ve ever met someone who seemed great but suddenly dropped you without a clear reason, consider yourself fortunate. In such cases, the excuse, “It’s not you, it’s me,” could be entirely true.
The Three Phases of Gaslighting
1. Disbelief: This is the initial stage where you think, “What are you talking about?” or more explicitly, “WTF?” runs through your mind. The gaslighter’s comments seem so absurd that you can’t fathom them as anything but ridiculous. However, as these assertions persist and their confidence in their skewed reality remains unshaken, seeds of doubt begin to sprout. You start to wonder if, just maybe, there’s a sliver of truth in their words.
2. Defense: The stage shifts to, “Maybe you have a point.” Your days become filled with the mental back-and-forth of defending your thoughts and actions. You’re caught in a loop of dissecting each conversation, trying to sort out right from wrong, reality from fabrication. It’s an exhausting stage where you’re constantly on guard, feeling the need to justify your every move and thought.
3. Depression: The prolonged effects of gaslighting lead to the crushing conclusion, “It’s all my fault.” The person you were before seems like a distant memory. You withdraw, avoiding discussions about your relationship or anything that might spark another bout of gaslighting. At this stage, isolation creeps in, and you may start internalizing the gaslighter’s narrative, blaming yourself for the discord and believing you’re the problem.
Recognizing these stages is critical. Ideally you don’t want to progress further than Phase 1, but if you do, don’t judge yourself. Seek the help you need to recover your sense of self and break the cycle.
Trust Your Instincts
The most important lesson from experiencing gaslighting is to trust your instincts. If something feels off, it often is. Gaslighters thrive on doubt and confusion, but understanding their methods helps you trust your judgment again. Knowledge reveals the truth and provides a way out.
The realization that gaslighting has a name is a turning point. Recognizing that this behavior can range from explosive to quiet, and from public outbursts to private digs, is crucial. Gaslighters create a narrative where you’re at fault, but you are not the problem. Acknowledging this is both heartbreaking and liberating, and it’s essential for setting boundaries and prioritizing your well-being.
Healing starts when you see gaslighting for what it is—manipulation. From there, you can rebuild your sense of self, trust in your perceptions, and strength in your convictions. It’s a process, but one that leads to a stronger, more self-assured you.
*Both women and men could be abusers or victims. Please do not take any pronoun choices as an implication that one gender abuses and the other is victimized.
Take control of your life and start your journey to healing today. Buy my book, “Healing from Emotional Abuse” for in-depth insights and practical steps to overcome emotional abuse.